Rang de Basanti!

I just finished watching Rang de Basanti, twice. I don’t know what it was that made me want to watch it. Was it the news of the Supreme Court’s decision on the issue of reservations for OBCs? Or was it the fact that I was missing my undergrad friends terribly, and was reminded of Roobaroo, the song which made all of cry at our farewell? I don’t know. But it was 6 hours spent well. I have been wasting time for over 8 weeks now; time that I should spend reading research papers and textbooks has been spent watching movies, playing computer games, reading blogs and sleeping. And there is a tiny little part of me that feels guilty, because even though I know that the upcoming qualifying exam is inconsequential as I’ve decided to quit grad school anyway, a part of me wants to exit with some “pride”. But the 6 hours spent watching RDB were not only guilt-free, but also enlightening.

My inability to live without Ma-Pa & Bhai, no matter how hard I try (have been trying for over a year and a half), to live knowing that they, and my closest friends are not a few hours away, and to be living in a place I don’t call “home”; all made me realize I am definitely not at the right place, and I had to take the decision of going back home. Fair enough. But, what will I do once I go back? Join a grad school in India and do a PhD there? Switch fields and go in for an MBA? Take up a job; some job, any job? I didn’t know and I had no idea. I still don’t know, but I think I have an idea.

The movie got me thinking. Why am I where I am? As an 11-year old, I wanted to help people, I wanted to become a doctor. 10 years later, armed with a degree in Biotechnology, I came to the United States to do research. I still wanted to help people, but by developing drugs and vaccines, not just administering them. Almost 2 years later, not only am I struggling to settle in, I am a little disillusioned. I see little practical significance in most of the research work that goes on, can’t stand the paper-crazy attitude of most advisors (what happened to the good old days of doing research for the love of science), hate my cell lines for they give crazy, confounding results and quite frankly, am put off by the AT LEAST 6 years it takes to graduate, and that is if you are a very hard-working student (Hmmph! I was told 4-5 years!). Most importantly, I’ve realized that I might spend my entire life in a lab, and still not make so much of a dent in anybody else’s life, leave aside saving it.

“Zindagi jeene ke do tareeke hote hai. Ek, jo ho raha hai hone do, bardaash karte jao. Ya fir zimmedari uthao use badalne ki!” (“There are just two ways to live life. One, to tolerate things as they are. Or, to take the responsibility of changing them.”) Profound words, which gave me an idea of what I should try to do once I go back. There is so much back home that I think needs changing. I wish I had leadership qualities, I would have loved to be a law-maker. Seriously. I might not be able to solve all of India’s problems, but who says it has to be all or nothing? Can’t I try and make a difference in a handful of lives? I don’t think I want to die, without having the satisfaction of having done my best at making life a little easier for people who don’t have it easy. I don’t want to be the person knocking on heaven’s door, whose greatest accomplishment is a BMW Z4 Roadster. (Though I wouldn’t mind if my husband is that person!) I don’t know what my true calling is, what kind of work will make me want to get up in the morning and say to myself, “yayy! today’s not a holiday!” Don’t think that kind of work exists, but if it does, I’m sure it neither involves having to deal with bosses, nor does it involve having to sit in front of the computer the whole day. But while I try to find my true calling, shouldn’t I just do something that will give me a 1% chance of being admitted into heaven? I just hope God gives me the courage to follow my heart, and not get trapped in a rat race to earn money and make a living. And if it takes an RDB to keep me on track, I’ll watch it every week, gladly. (Who minds watching Kunal Kapoor and Siddharth for 3 hours every week? he ha ha!)

Think I’ve been rambling on about life and “true calling”, whatever that is. And the seriousness is making me sick. Anyways, as I was saying, I don’t think I’ll mind seeing Kunal and Siddharth. (“Whom are you seeing these days?” Umm, Kunal. But please don’t tell Siddharth!) Kunal I always liked, but I never really understood why girls were crazy about Siddharth. Now I do. I guess I was still in the Madhavan-liking phase when the movie had released, so Madhavan and Kunal were cute. See, the problem is, I can never like more than 2 guys at a time. Like in Dil Chahta Hai, I liked Saif and Akshaye (sorry Aamir), Ocean’s series, George and Matt (sorry Brad), Kal Ho Naa Ho, Saif and Frankie (sorry Shahrukh) and Hera-Pheri, Akshay and Paresh (sorry Sunil/Suneel/Suniel)! You get the drift! So now that I am not blinded by Madhavan’s love anymore, I realized how amazing Siddharth is. And that makes it 2 Siddharths I really like. Dear God, either one will do! Please?!

I think I watched the movie twice because it gave me a glimpse of all the things that I miss. My Delhi, my home. India Gate, where I lived for 11 years, the best 11 years of my life. Red Fort, which I saw everyday on my way to college, the best 4 years of the 11 best years of my life; where we went for our first picnic. Garam-garam paranthas, freshly made, with oodles of butter. And silly as it may sound, Ma!

And this is the point where I expect whiny-me to start off on how I want to go back home. Hey, I am going home in a few weeks, Insha’Allah! So I won’t whine. I will just end here, with one of the funniest lines of the movie. There are tons, and this is not even the funniest. Just that talking about Ma reminded me of ladies log (sorry Ma :p) and that reminded me of a hilarious line from RDB about women,

“Women make possible impossible..err..impossible possible!”

He ha ha! I am a woman. And irrespective of whether the former is true or the latter, I am proud to be a woman! He ha ha! (My laughter might raise a few doubts, but trust me, I am! Proud? No..err yes! But also a woman!)